The Academy Awards

I'm sure many of you missed the Academy Awards last night. 

I was quite hoping to have missed them myself, but no such luck.

I know what you're saying, I thought they were on in February. You're right, they are, but last night was a special edition of the red light brown carpet gala. It wasn't on your local listings; they interrupted normal programming to show it - it was almost like BREAKING NEWS, except there was no Tom Brokaw, and nobody from the local channels were interviewing that one guy who once drove past that one place where the event happened so we could have an Arizona connection. But having had my own personal front row seats to the Oscar's last night I have to fill you in.

For the most part it was your regular show...

Best Actor in a Leading Role...

And the nominees are blah, blah, blah, Tom Hanks in blah, blah, blah,...

And the winner is...

Best Director...

And the nominees are Steven Spielberg for blah, blah, blah...

 And the winner is...

Best Original Score...

And the nominee is John Williams for absolutely anything he wrote...

And the winner is John Williams...

You get the picture! It was pretty typical. The jokes in between presentations were stoic, and some really old actor who is on the verge of death was finally recognized for all their hard work by receiving the Academy Honorary Award...blah, blah, blah... And of course, nearly every body's acceptance speech exceeded the 45 second limit.

However, there were a few awards that you might have overlooked, had you had the chance, as we did, to be there for their presentation. I can think of four specifically.

Best Animated Feature...

And the nominee is Ethan, for his adrenalized nuclear meltdown right after reading scriptures and saying prayers...

And the winner is Ethan!

Best Special Effects and Sound Editing in an Animated Feature...

And the nominee is Ethan, for his proficient use of every profane word, and obscure quote stored in his vault-like mind, spitting, biting and head butting...

And the winner is Ethan!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role...

And the nominee is Dad, for his meticulous use of grappling holds, deep pressure hugs...

And the winner is Dad!

As the presenter announced my name as winner of the Oscar I must say, I was shocked! Best Supporting Actor, WOW! I thought I had a chance with Best Choreography in a Live Action Feature, or even Best Visual Effects, maybe, but not Supporting Actor.

I don't mean to brag, but my acceptance speech was awesome, even though I was completely caught off guard! Here are a few highlights from my speech....

I'd like to thank the Academy, and all the little people. Let me try to name them all...

...my close personal friend, Al Biruni, the 11th century Persian polymath, who divided time up into seconds, we appreciate that, especially in the olympics and all, but try watching a very active kid every second of the day; couldn't you have made a day have say 20 seconds in it instead of 86,400? Maybe you could calculate the odds of it not being possible to accomplish no matter how hard we try...

...Mister Clean and the Magic Eraser, I appreciate all that you've done for my tub, but how about one for an autistic boy's mind so we could clean out all those bad things we never knew were creeping into his mind and never to be forgotten?...

...Speaking of which, thank you unknown-useless-guy-who-hijacked-SpongeBob-Squarepants-clips-and-dubbed-his-own-profanity-laced-soundtrack-over-them-and-posted-them-on-Youtube-so-unsuspecting-kids-would-find-them-and-unprepared-parents-would-have-to-deal-with-the-introduction-of-the-F-bomb!! Thanks! I'll give you my special reward when we meet in a dark alley, mano y mano!

...Mel Brooks, sure you're funny, but really, Spaceballs, yeah, I know my older son snuck your movie into the house while my wife and me were on a date, but really, slipping your potty humor and excessive use of vulgar terms into a parody about Star Wars, which was a very wholesome movie, come on! We threw your movie out years ago, but it just keeps reappearing on the fabric of his mind. I've got just the alley picked out for you...

... And most especially, a special thanks to Diogenes the cynical philosopher of ancient Greece who introduced the world to the middle finger, and that miscreant, whoever you are, that introduced it to my son! You're on my list also, so we'll be seeing each other soon! Consider changing your name to Rugen the four fingered man! 

When I finally left the stage, Oscar in hand, the audience was in tears, and I was dripping sweat. Except for a slight ringing in my right ear, bite marks on my left hand, and spit all over me, I couldn't help but think this was one for the ages - a night to remember!

As the spectacular wound down, and things returned to normal, we brushed teeth again, and finished our preparations for bed. About twenty minutes had passed since my acceptance speech, and we were down to the last award of the night.

Best Original Song for a Kiss on the Cheek, a Big Hug, an I Love You, and Cuddling in Bed Following a Meltdown...

And the winner is...