The King is Dead!

Dear Mr. King,

I know this sounds harsh, but I have no choice. After all we’ve been through, I am saddened to have to tell you it is over; our relationship ends today.

Since 1955 you had managed to produce a “flame broiled” hamburger, unlike any other. Though you struggled to best the billions served by your competitor they had nothing on you. Nobody could ever duplicate that seared in flavor. Although, my son has never liked your burgers, and prefers the overly simple technique of the other guy’s cheeseburger—that is if they can get the order right, and make them with “catsup only.” But that didn’t mean you had nothing to offer. You had chicken!

When you first introduced the chicken in 1985 it was a big success. We've been with you through so many difficulties, and never wavered.  We supported you when you changed the shapes of the tenders into Star Wars figures, dinosaurs, and crowns. We didn’t even balk when you opted, in your so called “product reformulation,” to shape them like McNuggets at the end of 2012. Honestly, we didn’t care about your identity crisis; we were all about the flavor and texture.

Unfortunately you did it this time; you’ve made a Whopper of a mistake, and it is going to cost you. Not only did you change the shape of your chicken to look more like that other clown’s, but now you’ve changed the flavor and texture. That is inexcusable!

We had already lost Dinosaur Chicken because some number cruncher at Tyson thought of a better way to manufacture them that changed their color ever so slightly. Bam! Cross them off the list. Then last November, Hostess, in a dispute with their union workers, was forced to shut their doors and file for bankruptcy. Another one bites the dust. Down went Ding Dongs! Those beautiful hockey-puck-shaped chocolate cakes had been a staple in my son’s lunch box. Now, we have only two places, besides pizza, to get him something to eat: cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and chicken nuggets from Wendy’s. I hope you are proud of yourself. 

The king is dead—at least to me!

Adieu,

Ethan’s dad

P.S. The only thing worse than one dead king, is two dead kings!